Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I Am No Quitter

Everyone KNOWS that I am SO ready for Will to come home.
Nod your head yes.
But there are a few pessimists that like to throw their two cents in.

But he will take over the remote..
I use the tv as background noise, so I could care less what's on it.
He will leave the toilet seat up.
He rarely does that, and guess what? I don't let it bother me if he does.
You will have to share the bed
Sweet. We got a Queen (vs. a king) so that we could cuddle and that's just what I plan on doing.
He's going to demand a lot of sex.
Can you tell me what the problem is with that? Isn't that the good part of marriage?

But there is one that I would really like to clear up...
You are going to quit blogging.
Um...never. I will have to time manage when it comes to blogging, but blogging about our life is why I started in the first place and now we get to LIVE our life. Plus you all know how much you mean to me. There is no way that I could just give up on all the relationships I have formed in the past two years.

I hope that you can all bare with me during this transition, but fear not...I am NOT quitting blogging.

Photobucket

As a matter of fact, my visitor today exhibits a reason why I love blogging.
I love that we all relate to each other by sharing the good AND the bad.
I would now like to introduce you to Coley from Planned Spontaneity.
Take it away girl!



Happy 1st anniversary to myself! 

That line above might sounds a little weird, especially if you read my blog and know about my boyfriend Alex. But no, I am not talking about us, but just myself. About a year ago I went through the most painful experience of my life.


I know that I probably sound ultra dramatic saying “most painful experience” but honestly besides somebody close to me dying, what I went through was hell and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. This subject is very touchy and I will do my best to explain my views without stepping on anyone’s toes: A year ago a relationship I was in ended but this relationship was with a guy who had bipolar disorder. I’m not sure if you really know much about bi-polar, I know I didn’t before this relationship.

 About 1%-2% of Americans are diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. There are five major types of bi-polar and men account for more cases than women. This disorder is characterized by manic “episodes” and depression “episodes”. These episodes can last from a few weeks to months.
What statistics can’t tell you is what it is like to live through one of these episodes. To me the depression episodes were easy. He was sad but they were always manageable. Manic episodes however, well those are the scariest thing I have ever lived though.


Bear with me for one moment and try to imagine something. You may not have a significant other, so if not imagine this with your closest friend or sibling. Imagine your significant other suddenly not acting like the person you know and trust. Imagine this person spending all of their/your money. Imagine this person no longer sleeping and skipping important events like school or work. Imagine this person acting reckless and crazy and trying to self-medicate. Imagine the security you normally feel in a loving relationship replaced with a hostile and angry person. Finally imagine this person telling you they no longer love you (even though you know it is just the manic episode talking and hope the episode will pass faster this time around).


You might feel as I am being unfair and believe me I know that having bi-polar disorder is not something anyone chooses to have. However, I also feel as if there isn’t enough support for people that live with/are in a relationship with someone with bi-polar disorder whether it’s a parent/child relationship, a sibling relationship, or a relationship with a significant other. It is so difficult to watch someone you love be “taken over” by this illness when there is nothing you can do about it. It is a very lonely and stressful time for the people who have a relationship with the individual as well. There is no such thing as talking sense into someone who is experiencing a manic episode. I am a fighter and fought so hard for this relationship even through the manic episodes. I called therapists and included his family in the situation.  


I tried everything. And I failed.


I won’t go into the next part of the story in major detail but one of the possible symptoms of bi-polar disorder is hypersexuality. Many people don’t want to talk about this symptom because it is taboo but it exists, and it is often the hardest part of the manic episode to deal with. Basically I found out that he attempted and/or had cheated on me many, many times during the last manic episode.  This was something I couldn’t overlook. I couldn’t have this manic phase pass and then have it happen all over again in 6 months or whenever the next manic phase would eventually come.
I cried. I sobbed for days straight. I faced moving out all alone in the middle of a school semester when all my friends were already paired up. I continued working and going to school full-time. I cried some more. I mourned a relationship to a man I thought I was going to marry while still living with him. I apartment searched every spare minute, I honestly checked listings 5 times a day. I let my girlfriends take me out to dinner and let my co-workers spoil me with kindness and heart to heart conversations. I couldn’t get him to go in to see a therapist, so you know what I went myself, and it helped.  



And after 7 long weeks of this living arrangement and after I had just about given up hope, I responded to a craigslist ad of all things and met the 3 amazing ladies who would become my future roommates and best friends.


I went though the worst experience of my life and failed at a relationship, but I still managed to have my best year at college ever. I learned to walk on my own and to put myself first. I moved in with 3 complete strangers. I learned to fall in love again. I learned to let my guard down and let others help me. I remember breaking down and crying one day right after a class ended (the person asked me how I was since I wasn’t looking so hot).  I actually opened up to that person (opening up to someone that I am not already close to is difficult for me) and we became really close over that year just because they had the kindness to ask me if I was ok.



This quote pretty much sums up my story. I can never undo the hurt and pain I went through but instead of letting it define me, I used this experience to make myself a stronger and happier person. I am the most confident I have ever been and know this wouldn't be true if I hadn't lived through this experience. I see many aspects of life in a different view now, sometimes being forcefully kicked out of your comfort zone can lead you to be the person you are supposed to be.

Blog

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Heartbreak.
It'll get you every time.

I'm just happy she is already seeing the positive. That is defining your own perception.





19 comments:

Rebecca said...

Ignore all the pessimists and enjoy every second of your hubby being home!
Loving all the quotes in Coley's piece and that she felt able to share something so difficult, my favourite blogs are the ones that share the positive and the negative, I'm off to check out hers now.

Rachel said...

Oh wow--I can't imagine why people would say those things about your husband being home. I mean--isn't all that what you sign up for when you get married--and it's all part of sharing life with someone else, which is a good thing! And my husband leaves the toilet seat up ALL the time--and I don't know why it bothers people so much. It's pretty easy to put it down yourself! Definitely not worth getting annoyed over.

Morgan Neal said...

Omg I would freak on some people. It's like the honeymoon phase all over again. It's pure bliss. So happy for you!

Nicole said...

Wow! That'll bring goose bumps!

Erin said...

You better not be quitting Blogland!!! Have so much fun with the husband :) So excited for you

Kayla said...

I feel so bad because I haven't been keeping up on my blog reading! We just moved to your area and I just saw a bunch of soldiers returning from Afghanistan, made me think of you! Hope Will was in that group! Enjoy your time with him! My husband got home in April and well, the demanding lots of sex thing is STILL going on, months later! ;)

Kayla said...

Saw the soldiers on the news this morning- I meant to say that in my first comment!

Michael Z said...

Why would you stop blogging?? That's just dumb. Now you're going to have all these fun new stories. Hello... New blog topics/fodder! You won't know what to write about!

Coley,
I've never dealt with someone who suffers from that but I'm so glad that you were able to take care of you and find your way to happiness again!

Cece said...

We'll forgive you if you take a bloggy break when he comes back but glad to know that you are blogging for the long haul.

Lins said...

Keep your chin up. There are so many women/men out there that are negative about marriage. My hubby and I don't have to be separated for long periods of time like you do and we still get grief like this. What people don't realize is that when you marry your best friend, you love spending time with each other.

www.domesticatedworkingwoman.blogspot.com

Holly said...

Loved this post. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for her. But as a clinical counseling master's student, I am learning more and more about disorders like bipolar, and they are devastating. But I'm intrigued by what the people affected by such disorders go through, in order to understand and to help. This was amazing! Thank you for sharing!

Amber said...

Um what?! I would've smacked someone had they said that to me when my husband was deployed. Or I probably would've replied with some snarky comment like "Oh you are so right! It's much better that he's over there being shot at and in danger, instead of here with me hogging the remote and bed!" Ugh people kill me! I love your "eh. whatever" attitude about it :) Some people just don't think when they speak. I'm with you, I'd much rather have my a remote hogging, bed sharer, sex hungry, husband than a perfect roommate :) He'll be home before you know it!

cynthia said...

My brother is a psych doctor and works in the UCLA hospital system. Mental illness is serious business. I'm glad Coley was able to make a decision to move on!

And I'm sure Will's return will involve some adjustments, but that's what life is all about! xoxo

My-cliffnotes said...

It's cool ill just blue up your inbox with texts when I miss you

My-cliffnotes said...

Dang iPhone blow not blue

Kathy said...

as someone who has been treated from mental illness, it is DEFINITELY hard to live a "normal" life. my illness nearly destroyed my entire family and to this day, i still don't know how my husband managed to stick around... heck, i would have left me!

but the only thing you can take solace in is that you tried. i have a friend who suffers from MD and when he's in his manic phase (usually when he gets tired of taking his meds and just goes off of them), i cannot get a hold of him and i know he's off doing something destructive which sends us into a frenzy as we try to locate him... it's hard on everyone. but you came out of your relationship strong and you learned a few things which is the important thing about coming out a relationship.

Deidre said...

"You will have to share the bed" - um isn't that the point of marriage as well? what is marriage without cuddling? I want no part of no cuddling marriage.

Kelly { Messy.Dirty.Hair.} said...

Ew people actually said that petty stuff to you? So dumb. Haha! You better not quit blogging bc I will cry. Your my other half in this crazy blog world! I know you won't, I'm so excited for your next chapter of life with will home. Hopefully hubs can guest post too, he's such a doll!

Alexa said...

That guest post by Coley was so similar to things going on in my life. I literally started crying while reading it. Thanks so much for sharing such personal information. It definitely helped me, and I hope I can use my blog to help out others who are dealing with hard times.

Xoxo,
Alexa
44thandlex.com

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